I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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