Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
