He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
