Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
