dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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