got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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