On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
