i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
