Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize