I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
