yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
