Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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