So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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