They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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