I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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