I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
