I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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