I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
