Swine flu. Run for my life!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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