How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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