she was so not down for the gang bang
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i wish my penis had a tongue
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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