I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Someone came in the potted fern
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
