What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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