i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
