Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
then he tried to convert me to islam
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
