I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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