____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
4 words: hood of his car
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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