I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
