it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
