I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
