I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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