I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
