I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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