Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
