I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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