Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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