No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
