i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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