Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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