my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
