Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
