She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
