I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
