can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.