It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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