I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.