a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
