someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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