this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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