Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Everclear isn't food dammit
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
