Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
