I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I touched a dick in church today
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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