you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
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she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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