either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
