Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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