I'm sorry my penis didn't work
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies