next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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