Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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