Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
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another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
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I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit