I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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