his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well I just put wine in my tea
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
